03:21
Faizan
I came face-to-face with a thought that has been lingering at the back of my mind for a long time, but did not have enough GUTS to own up to it.
It appeared to me clear as day, and I finally realized I have nowhere to hide but to step up and OWN IT: "What you have right now is not BIG enough," that voice whispered gently, but firmly.
This thought scares me. It's not just as simple as "stepping up to your greatness" - even though it sounds good on paper and people like to toss this phrase around.
It is about facing my deepest FEARS when declaring my big vision, what I really really WANT - and having to live up to it.
Am I good enough? Do I deserve it? What happens when I put my heart and soul in it and it gets rejected? If I go down the rabbit hole and it's not "IT", is my life wasted?Shit, it feels so big, where do I even begin?
Here is the AHA: secretly, there is one part of me that refuses to grow up. This part of me is stuck at 23 - working my way through grad school. The world is big and I knew enough to know that I didn't know enough.
It is the age of wide-open possibilities and not committing to one thing; at which the "adults" out there would take care of things; where it's OK to have others "guide" us because we are "just starting out."
It is the age of "getting away with it" because time is on our side; of "it's OK to be small, for now, so you can learn and grow safely"; of "following the steps of" or "being take under the wings by" (aka, being in the shadow of); of "it's OK to be just OK, for now."
It is the age when invincibility was taken out and vulnerability has not set in. It is when the commitment required by anything longer than a one-night-stand makes the head hurt and the heart run.
With this realization will come another round of "sitting through the fire and curl up and suck my thumb." But I am not ready to dive in, not yet. Maybe next week.
I don't go about throwing stuff, cursing, screaming, or ranting and raging in my blog posts, for no good reason. It is to help me undo the head-gunk - the limitations, preconceptions, misconceptions, judgments, conclusions - so I can find the clarity to BE more.
Clarity -> Conviction, Commitment, Gumption
What's the point of always running and screaming if we can't enjoy the fruit of this hard work/emotion - the peace that comes with clarity?
The gut-felt certainty, the conviction, the knowingness of finally owning something meaningful.
It's not like I read somewhere or someone told me I have to stop and rest... and "smell the roses." This extraordinary sense of quietude comes from the body, the GUTS. A kind of Trust and Knowing that it's the "right" thing to do, even though I have absolutely NO clue how to get there. GUTS says Yes, we go.
What about YOU?
Do you have a big-ass vision you are too chicken-shit to admit and own? Too scare to say it out loud, to declare it, even just to yourself?
Is part of you stuck at a certain age with a set of world view and stories that are holding you back from stepping up and owning the hell out of your big vision?
It appeared to me clear as day, and I finally realized I have nowhere to hide but to step up and OWN IT: "What you have right now is not BIG enough," that voice whispered gently, but firmly.
This thought scares me. It's not just as simple as "stepping up to your greatness" - even though it sounds good on paper and people like to toss this phrase around.
It is about facing my deepest FEARS when declaring my big vision, what I really really WANT - and having to live up to it.
Am I good enough? Do I deserve it? What happens when I put my heart and soul in it and it gets rejected? If I go down the rabbit hole and it's not "IT", is my life wasted?Shit, it feels so big, where do I even begin?
Here is the AHA: secretly, there is one part of me that refuses to grow up. This part of me is stuck at 23 - working my way through grad school. The world is big and I knew enough to know that I didn't know enough.
It is the age of wide-open possibilities and not committing to one thing; at which the "adults" out there would take care of things; where it's OK to have others "guide" us because we are "just starting out."
It is the age of "getting away with it" because time is on our side; of "it's OK to be small, for now, so you can learn and grow safely"; of "following the steps of" or "being take under the wings by" (aka, being in the shadow of); of "it's OK to be just OK, for now."
It is the age when invincibility was taken out and vulnerability has not set in. It is when the commitment required by anything longer than a one-night-stand makes the head hurt and the heart run.
With this realization will come another round of "sitting through the fire and curl up and suck my thumb." But I am not ready to dive in, not yet. Maybe next week.
I don't go about throwing stuff, cursing, screaming, or ranting and raging in my blog posts, for no good reason. It is to help me undo the head-gunk - the limitations, preconceptions, misconceptions, judgments, conclusions - so I can find the clarity to BE more.
Clarity -> Conviction, Commitment, Gumption
What's the point of always running and screaming if we can't enjoy the fruit of this hard work/emotion - the peace that comes with clarity?
The gut-felt certainty, the conviction, the knowingness of finally owning something meaningful.
It's not like I read somewhere or someone told me I have to stop and rest... and "smell the roses." This extraordinary sense of quietude comes from the body, the GUTS. A kind of Trust and Knowing that it's the "right" thing to do, even though I have absolutely NO clue how to get there. GUTS says Yes, we go.
What about YOU?
Do you have a big-ass vision you are too chicken-shit to admit and own? Too scare to say it out loud, to declare it, even just to yourself?
Is part of you stuck at a certain age with a set of world view and stories that are holding you back from stepping up and owning the hell out of your big vision?
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