00:22
Faizan
I came face-to-face with a thought that has been lingering at the back of my mind for a long time, but did not have enough GUTS to own up to it.
It appeared to me clear as day, and I finally realized I have nowhere to hide but to step up and OWN IT: "What you have right now is not BIG enough," that voice whispered gently, but firmly.
This thought scares me. It's not just as simple as "stepping up to your greatness" - even though it sounds good on paper and people like to toss this phrase around.
It is about facing my deepest FEARS when declaring my big vision, what I really really WANT - and having to live up to it.
Am I good enough? Do I deserve it? What happens when I put my heart and soul in it and it gets rejected? If I go down the rabbit hole and it's not "IT", is my life wasted?Shit, it feels so big, where do I even begin?
Here is the AHA: secretly, there is one part of me that refuses to grow up. This part of me is stuck at 23 - working my way through grad school. The world is big and I knew enough to know that I didn't know enough.
It is the age of wide-open possibilities and not committing to one thing; at which the "adults" out there would take care of things; where it's OK to have others "guide" us because we are "just starting out."
It is the age of "getting away with it" because time is on our side; of "it's OK to be small, for now, so you can learn and grow safely"; of "following the steps of" or "being take under the wings by" (aka, being in the shadow of); of "it's OK to be just OK, for now."
It is the age when invincibility was taken out and vulnerability has not set in. It is when the commitment required by anything longer than a one-night-stand makes the head hurt and the heart run.
With this realization will come another round of "sitting through the fire and curl up and suck my thumb." But I am not ready to dive in, not yet. Maybe next week.
I don't go about throwing stuff, cursing, screaming, or ranting and raging in my blog posts, for no good reason. It is to help me undo the head-gunk - the limitations, preconceptions, misconceptions, judgments, conclusions - so I can find the clarity to BE more.
Clarity -> Conviction, Commitment, Gumption
What's the point of always running and screaming if we can't enjoy the fruit of this hard work/emotion - the peace that comes with clarity?
It appeared to me clear as day, and I finally realized I have nowhere to hide but to step up and OWN IT: "What you have right now is not BIG enough," that voice whispered gently, but firmly.
This thought scares me. It's not just as simple as "stepping up to your greatness" - even though it sounds good on paper and people like to toss this phrase around.
It is about facing my deepest FEARS when declaring my big vision, what I really really WANT - and having to live up to it.
Am I good enough? Do I deserve it? What happens when I put my heart and soul in it and it gets rejected? If I go down the rabbit hole and it's not "IT", is my life wasted?Shit, it feels so big, where do I even begin?
Here is the AHA: secretly, there is one part of me that refuses to grow up. This part of me is stuck at 23 - working my way through grad school. The world is big and I knew enough to know that I didn't know enough.
It is the age of wide-open possibilities and not committing to one thing; at which the "adults" out there would take care of things; where it's OK to have others "guide" us because we are "just starting out."
It is the age of "getting away with it" because time is on our side; of "it's OK to be small, for now, so you can learn and grow safely"; of "following the steps of" or "being take under the wings by" (aka, being in the shadow of); of "it's OK to be just OK, for now."
It is the age when invincibility was taken out and vulnerability has not set in. It is when the commitment required by anything longer than a one-night-stand makes the head hurt and the heart run.
With this realization will come another round of "sitting through the fire and curl up and suck my thumb." But I am not ready to dive in, not yet. Maybe next week.
I don't go about throwing stuff, cursing, screaming, or ranting and raging in my blog posts, for no good reason. It is to help me undo the head-gunk - the limitations, preconceptions, misconceptions, judgments, conclusions - so I can find the clarity to BE more.
Clarity -> Conviction, Commitment, Gumption
What's the point of always running and screaming if we can't enjoy the fruit of this hard work/emotion - the peace that comes with clarity?
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